The definition of marriage has evolved over the years. In some parts of the Western world for example, marriage is both the union of the opposite sex (a man and a woman), and of people of the same sex that is, a man marrying another man or a woman marrying another woman.
However in the African culture, marriage is the celebrated union of not only a man and a woman, but that of their extended families, with the woman only sharing intimacy with her husband. In a traditional African marriage, when a spouse dies, the surviving spouse is given as a wife or a husband to a relative of the deceased. However, this part of the culture is beginning to modify, so that the relative’s role is merely financial and not physical.
Traditionally, while a husband is seen as the head of the family, a woman is perceived as the person who maintains the head, the one responsible for the success or failure of the marriage. The African girl is given a lot of responsibilities from the start. She observes her mother and does whatever her mother does without questions. If her mother is patient, she learns to be patient, though this is not always the case with young girls, but as she grows up, she begins to mimic her mother.
Unlike the Western culture where 18 is the age of majority and independence, there is no set age limit as to when a girl can be married in traditional Africa. Here, as soon as a girl begins to menstruate, it is assumed that she is old enough to be married.
She begins to cook, clean, wash, and maintain her parents’ household just as she would do in her own house. In some cultures like the Itsekiris of Delta State, Nigeria, the mother even prepares her daughter for intimacy with her husband. “Sex is a learned act,” the mother could say. “It is the thing that keeps marriages together; the one and only act, if mastered, will keep your husband coming back to you regardless of his other exploits. Make sex memorable.”
The Itsekiri mother does not describe how sex is performed, but she has planted a seed in her daughter’s memory. Because a traditional African setting treats sex sacredly, it must not be spoken of aloud. The Itsekiri teenager now knows that sex can be learned, and can be memorable. A barrier has been broken.
Traditional African mothers informally teach and demonstrate how cooking is done because it is believed that food is the secret to a man’s heart. To the Itsekiris, the secret of good food is not the cost, but a mixture of various ingredients that makes the food flavourable. So the average Itsekiri girl has learned two secrets to a successful marriage, good food and good sex, and when she marries she will use this knowledge to her advantage.
It is this advantage that makes the average Urhobo man, who are neighbours to the Itsekiris, feel “incomplete” without having an Itsekiri woman in their lives. The Urhobos, like many African men, are polygamous; something that traditional African women handle with wisdom.
Traditional African women understand the nature of men even without the knowledge of psychology. They know that the average man, regardless of race, environment or culture, likes women, and only by self-discipline can a man resist the overture of a woman. Whether beautiful or ugly, a man will respond if tempted, so traditional African women learn how to guard themselves and their children against disappointments.
In their hearts, they have room for their husbands to err; they prepare themselves for the unexpected, so the arrival of another woman will not come as a surprise; the surprise will be if didn’t happen. The women do not leave their husbands because they have other women in their lives or because they are polygamous. To traditional African wives, divorce is not an option, wisdom is.
The husband has confirmed their fears; he is sharing his body and his heart with another woman, and perhaps he will give his properties to the new woman, leaving the traditional wife and her children with nothing. Yet she cannot commit adultery, instead she will have a divided heart. Whereas, the traditional wife has invested everything; emotions, money, mind and soul with her husband, she now keeps information about herself from him.
She withdraws, not physically, but mentally, so that her husband does not know what is going on in her heart. Where she used to do everything for him, she now begins to ask for his participation, and she does this subtly, not dramatically, so that the man may not notice the changes immediately. For instance, where she used to cook for him independently, she begins to ask for his financial contribution and, even if he refuses to assist her, the traditional wife will still feed him, but with minimal ingredients.
Where she used to give him big meat, she begins to cut the meat in cubes and if he complains, she apologizes. “I’m sorry, my husband. This is all I can afford for now.” She does not say, “Go meet your new wife to give you big meat,” because she understands that the nature of a man is to go to someone who gives him food, love and good sex, and not one who criticizes, complains and gripes.
Traditional African wives do not complain about the ugly characteristics of the other woman because, she knows if she does, not only will her husband not believe her, he will think she’s being jealous and is plotting to get rid of the new woman. So she tolerates the woman’s idiosyncrasies and allows the husband to observe her for himself.
Even if the husband complains about the new woman, the traditional wife will sympathise with her husband and will not say anything negative about her.” I’m sorry you feel that way about her…I sympathize with you…Oh, no….” The traditional wife observes and learns from what her husband says about the new woman. If he complains that, “She frowns too much… she’s crabby in the morning….” The traditional wife learns to improve on these things.
Traditional wives do not complain about their husbands to his friends or to her family, because she knows people exaggerate and sometimes complaining make things worse. As long as her life is not in danger, she prays and makes the best of her situation. “It’s all right,” she says and begins to sing, to lift up her spirits not to put the other woman down, but to lift up her household. “E go be alright… e go better.” But these are the characteristics of traditional African women. What about modern day African women?
Most modern African wives work and leave their children to baby-sitters so they do not create time to teach their children the values that their traditional mothers taught them. Some call these values, like staying with a polygamous husband, nonsense, ancient, uncivilized; therefore, they would divorce their husbands if they perceive he has a girlfriend, which they call cheating, a language that was not a part of traditional Africa.
Some would fight a woman, if they heard, even without proof, that the woman was their husband’s girlfriend. Many modern day African wives monitor every movement of their husbands. Some even sneak a peek at their husband’s cell phone and call every strange number they observe, yet men like freedom. When a man thinks he’s being watched, he becomes defensive and easily provoked at nothing, and constantly wants to be in control and exert authority. “I’m the man!” he says even when such a response is not necessary.
Traditional wives give their husbands freedom because they understand that whatever or whomever is pursued tends to run far, far away from you, but when you relax, watch and let freedom reign that thing or person runs after you. Traditional wives plan, remain married, and watch their children grow, and regardless of how bad a behaviour daddy displays, they hardly ever criticise him to their children.
They let the children grow up and observe things for themselves. And some of these children, having observed how daddy disregarded Mama, not only learned to treat their own wives better, they held their mothers in high esteem, making their mothers very comfortable in their old age, sometimes to the envy of daddy. But wait a minute, are traditional African women too patient, are they foolish, or have we, modern day African wives, simply forgotten how to be married? Just food for thought.
Dr. Turtoe-Sanders lives in the United States
- nigeriaplus.com
