Divorce Painful Option for An African woman - Why?

Source  http://www.omoyankee.com/



We’ve been going through this for months. At first I was happy to be there for Uche as a friend, but now I don’t even know what to say.
We went to  college together and have been close friends from the very first day we met. Since we were small girls, we shared our dreams, hopes, and desires with one another in confidence.
When we graduated, moved to different states and fell in love with our men, we ran up our phone bills because we had to share every juicy tidbit of our romances with each other. Her wedding was beautiful and extravagant and she looked like a princess in her wedding gown.
In the past 2 years though, we have somewhat drifted apart and have not kept in touch as well as we used to. Uche changed in little ways over the years and something just didn’t feel right. She’s canceled plans to get together at the last minute, she’s evasive when I ask about her family and often appears without her significant other at events (if she makes it).
A few months ago, she confided in me that she was in an abusive relationship. Her husband was openly cheating on her, had stayed out for days at a time,  neglected the domestic bills and most recently slapped her into a concussion when she confronted him about his behavior.
Even after we had a soul searching conversation where she revealed details of the conflicts in her marriage, she still made excuses for her husband’s poor behavior, making comments like “You know how African men are.” Yes, I do know how some African men are, but I also know many responsible, loving and respectful African men.
It’s difficult trying to be there for Uche but not being able to help in any tangible way. “I cannot understand the dynamics of your relationship with your husband” I told her, “I don’t know how he makes you feel at night, when it’s just the two of you, or what motivates you to stay.”
“Oh, please,” she responded, “It’s not about that,” alluding to sex.
According to her, she had confided in her parents, who have advised her to behave herself and hang in there.  Her pastor had also promised God’s intervention. Uche confided her deepest fear: that the situation might come to divorce  which “is too shameful.”
She is shamed, angry, scared and feeling like a failure. In spite of prayers and hope, the situation only seems to get worse.
Uche is an established and intelligent physician with many successes under her belt, but now even her career is being affected. She is distracted during surgeries and recently had her privileges reviewed by the hospital peer review committee due to performance issues. How did she get into this situation and why is divorce so daunting?
I spoke to a few African women about divorce and here are some of their views on why some African women do not see divorce as a viable option.
The stigma of shame:
People might consider me a failure if I divorce this man. We had a big wedding and folks will think I was not able to keep the marriage
Fear of being alone:
I feel like used goods. Who is going to have me? What if I am unable to find another man?
Religion:
God does not like divorce and I don’t want to go against the will of God
Kids:
I have to stay with him for the sake of the children
Money:
How will I survive? he is taking care of me and paying my bills.
Self-Esteem:
I know it’s my fault. If I was a more docile wife, maybe he would be a better husband. I have to keep trying…
Culture:
You know African men, that is just how they are..
I’m scared that the “perfect advice” that Uche is looking to me for might come too late. What if he hits her too hard one day, what if she can’t be fixed? What if he brings home something more than lipstick stains on his shirt collar? What if one day he brings home a fatal STD? Will I be able to keep praying and hoping while her life wastes away? My dear friend has already been scarred and has lost the sparkle in her spirit, all I see now in her eyes are the dying embers of hope.
Let us consider the costs of remaining a victim in this type of situation.
If you have children, is victimhood what you want them to model? How do you want to be seen? Do you realize that as a victim you have no power to change your life?
Remaining a victim is a very bleak picture.
Think of all the decisions and choices you make during the course of a day. Are they moving you away from being a victim or keeping you stuck there?
Stop and think before you make important and even not so important decisions or choices. Our choices define us and determine the course of our life.